The High 5 Habit
Take Control of Your Life with One Simple Habit
This is Mel Robbins’ second book. We featured her first book called The 5 Second Rule which is A W E S O M E! When I saw she had written this one, I was excited to get it. It is also A W E S O M E! If you’re familiar with Mel, you know she’s one of the leading voices in personal development and transformation. She’s changed millions of lives with her books, podcast, and online courses. In fact, Mel coaches more than 60 million people online every month and videos featuring her work have more than a BILLION views, including her TEDx Talk called “How to stop screwing yourself over” which is one of the most popular of all time. One of the reasons she’s so beloved is because she’s so incredibly real. This book features the High 5 Habit for which the book is named AND a dozen other life-changing tools AND at least that many stories about her own (Heroic!) challenges and how she’s used these tools to flip the switch and create a life of deep meaning and joy. The book is packed with Big Ideas and I’m excited to share a handful of my favorites so let’s jump straight in!
Big Ideas
- High five yourself lately?Try it. It’s surprisingly awesome.
- Science Says: “High fives motivate”High fives motivate.
- Don’t Feel Like it?Perfect. Do it anyway.
- Behavioral Activation TherapyIn three steps.
- Manifesting done rightVisualize the hard work!
“Self-worth, self-esteem, self-love, and self-confidence all begin by building those attributes within your SELF. That’s why I want you to begin every day with a high five in the mirror. It’s a habit you should learn, you should understand, and you should practice every single day. And that’s just the beginning.
In this book, you’ll learn dozens of ways to make supporting and celebrating yourself a habit. Using research, science, deeply personal stories, and the real-life results that the High 5 Habit is creating in people’s lives around the world, I’m going to prove to you and inspire you to take control of your life by high fiving yourself in all kinds of cool ways—every single day. The High 5 Habit is more than something you do—it’s a holistic approach to life, a proven mindset, and powerful tools that reprogram the subconscious patterns in your mind. …
This is bigger than knowing how to wake up happy, or pick yourself up when you’re feeling down, or hype yourself up for the biggest and most exciting moments of your life (all of which you’ll learn how to do in this book).
It is about understanding and improving the most important relationship you have in the world—the one with your SELF. In these pages, you’ll learn about your most fundamental needs and how to fill them. You’ll also discover proven mindset strategies to help you get through every moment—the highs and lows, ups and downs—and never give up on the person you’re staring at in the mirror.”
~ Mel Robbins from The High 5 Habit
This is Mel Robbins’ second book.
We featured her first book called The 5 Second Rule which is A W E S O M E!
When I saw she had written this one, I was excited to get it. It is also A W E S O M E!
If you’re familiar with Mel, you know she’s one of the leading voices in personal development and transformation.
She’s changed millions of lives with her books, podcast, and online courses. In fact, Mel coaches more than 60 million people online every month and videos featuring her work have more than a BILLION views, including her TEDx Talk called “How to stop screwing yourself over”—which is one of the most popular of all time.
One of the reasons she’s so beloved is because she’s so incredibly real. This book features the High 5 Habit for which the book is named AND a dozen other life-changing tools AND at least that many stories about her own (Heroic!) challenges and how she’s used these tools to flip the switch and create a life of deep meaning and joy. (Get a copy here.)
The book is packed with Big Ideas and I’m excited to share a handful of my favorites so let’s jump straight in!
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Download PDFSpoiler alert: Life is going to test you. When you’re working to change your life, or achieve a goal, or pursue your dreams, you will hit a roadblock. Always. It is unavoidable.
Get the BookHigh five yourself lately?
“It’s very simple.
Every morning, before you look at your phone or let the world in, take a moment to be with your reflection. The second you leave that bathroom, almost every moment is going to be about other people. You’ll be distracted by your phone, what’s going on at work, or what your kids need. The High 5 Habit is a moment every morning for you. It has two simple, but powerful steps:
1. Standing in front of the mirror, just be with yourself for a second.
Don’t focus on your appearance. Go deeper. See the person who is inside your body. The spirit beneath the skin and the soul behind that face.
2. When you feel ready, high five yourself in the mirror.
Notice how your mind goes quiet. You might feel a boost of energy. You might feel a sense of comfort: I’ll be okay. You might think: I got this. It’s a powerful moment. Without saying a word you’re telling yourself, I love you. I see you. I believe in you. Let’s go. Don’t rush it. Revel in it. This moment is for you.”
Wait.
You’re telling me that Mel wants us to High 5 ourselves in the morning when we look in the bathroom mirror?
YES. Exactly.
Why in the world would we want to do something as ridiculous as that?
Well, we’ll talk about the science that supports the practice in a moment.
For now...
If you feel so inspired, go do it.
Find yourself a mirror.
Just be with yourself for a second.
Look past your appearance and all the things you may want to change about how you look.
See BEYOND *that* version of yourself.
See “the spirit beneath your skin.”
See the “soul behind that face.”
In other words...
See your BEST self.
See your Daimon.
Then...
When you’re ready...
Give yourself a high five.
It feels surprisingly awesome, eh? :)
btw. You know which version of you is seeing the best version of you? The best version of you. It’s a Daimon to Daimon high five.
The best within you is seeing and high fiving the best within you.
It’s kinda like a Daimon Namaste.
When researchers study all the things that could change your life or that can make a meaningful impact on the quality of your life, the single most important change is making it a habit to be kind to yourself.
When you replace the self-doubt and self-criticism that drags you down with self-acceptance and self-love that lifts you up, your life will change. So, how about YOU make this a habit?
Science Says: “High fives motivate”
“The motivational power of a high five has been well documented. In fact, wait until you hear what researchers discovered about high fives when studying the best way to motivate kids in the face of challenging tasks. In one study, school-aged kids were split into three groups and asked to complete difficult tasks. Then, the researchers gave them one of three different forms of encouragement. The kids were either praised for a trait (‘You’re so smart.’ or ‘You’re so talented.’), or they were told they were working hard and praised for their effort (‘You’re really dedicated!’), or they were simply given a high five.
The high five was hands down the best motivator. Here’s why: The kids who were told they were smart, talented, or skilled were the least motivated and had the least fun. Those praised for their effort showed a greater enjoyment and exhibited a higher level of persistence. But kids who got a simple high five? They felt the most positive about themselves and their efforts, and they kept going for the longest time (persistence, people!), despite making mistakes. In fact, the results were so clear that the researchers titled the study ‘High Fives Motivate’ when they published it in the academic journal Frontiers in Psychology.”
That’s from chapter #2: “Science Says This Works.”
What works? High fives.
More specifically, Mel tells us that starting our days by high fiving OURSELVES as we look in the mirror works. Might sound a little (or a LOT!) goofy/cheesy but... Mel makes a compelling case for the neuroscience behind WHY it works.
So... Don’t knock it till you try it, Hero!
I used to follow Dan Millman’s advice and, when I saw a mirror, I’d admire the FRAME and rarely look at myself but since reading this book I’m having fun taking a moment and high fiving myself every time I’m around a mirror. I’m kinda loving it. :)
Mel makes the point that high fives are universally regarded as a powerful way to both ENCOURAGE *and* CELEBRATE people. (Those two words (ENCOURAGE and CELEBRATE) are the two most-often-repeated words of the book, btw.)
But...
Usually we high five other people.
When we high five OURSELVES, we connect to the super-positive feeling of a high five as we ENCOURAGE and CELEBRATE OURSELVES.
It’s a powerful neurohack.
Mel connects the practice to other research demonstrating its efficacy including a study on the NBA that found the teams that high fived (and made other positive contact with) each other the most WON the most. She also walks us through other studies on “neurobics” (think: aerobics for your brain!) that point to why this High 5 Habit works.
Then there’s that study she references above.
It’s based on a classic Carol Dweck study that is probably THE most impactful PARENTING tip I’ve ever learned. As we discuss in our Notes on Mindset and Self-Theories, if we want our kids to persist through challenges, we want to praise EFFORT more than talent.
Now we know we can throw in a high five for an even more powerful win!
P.S. Know this: “When researchers study all the things that could change your life or that can make a meaningful impact on the quality of your life, the single most important change is making it a habit to be kind to yourself.”
You can always tell when the high five attitude has disappeared because you will not feel like taking action.
When you are an adult, there is only one person’s opinion that matters: your own.
Don’t Feel Like it?
“What if I don’t feel like doing it? Do it anyway. Part of the reason why you don’t have what you want in your life is because when you don’t feel like doing it, you don’t do it. Your life only gets easier when you do the hard things all the time. Push through your resignation and do it.”
When I originally typed that out, I was going to use it as one of the little side-bar quotes in the Note. Then I realized it needed to be its own idea.
Now, you may decide that you don’t want to experiment with this little High 5 Habit—which, OF COURSE, is perfect.
And...
You may decide that you do, in fact want to make this (or any of the other things we discuss!) a habit and then, you may not (insert our whiney voice) *feel* like doing it.
In which case...
DO IT ANYWAY.
As Mel says so succinctly: “Part of the reason why you don’t have what you want in your life is because when you don’t feel like doing it, you don’t do it. Your life only gets easier when you do the hard things all the time. Push through your resignation and do it.”
Mel’s first book was ALL about how to push through the resistance and get yourself to do the things you *know* are good for you but that you don’t *feel* like doing.
Check out the Notes on The 5 Second Rule for the full story.
For now, know this: “The 5 Second Rule: The Moment you have an instinct to act on a goal you must 5-4-3-2-1 and physically move or your brain will stop you.”
Feel inspired to do something that you KNOW is the right thing to do?
Give yourself a NASA-inspired “5-4-3-2-1” countdown AND a high five and then DO IT.
NOW.
Remember: “There is no right time. There is only right now. You get one life. This is it. And it’s not going to begin again. It’s up to you to push yourself to make the most of it and the time to do it is right now.”
Procrastination and perfectionism are the two deadliest dream killers. They aren’t a high five—energetically, they’re a hell no! They slowly choke your ambitions to death until one day you wake up disappointed and resentful when you realize, I never even got started. First, let’s get one thing straight: You’re not a procrastinator or a perfectionist or an overthinker. You’re just scared.
Behavioral Activation Therapy
“Now that you’re talking back to your negative belief and saying your new mantra, comes the most crucial step: You must take physical actions that match the new positive belief.
One of the most effective ways to change your opinion of yourself is to tap into a body of research called Behavioral Activation Therapy. It’s a simple but profoundly effective therapeutic method that asserts: Act like the person you want to become, no matter how you feel right now. In addition to creating momentum, this is powerful because your brain sees you taking action. Your old negative thoughts are so ingrained that you can’t just talk your way out of your old habits and beliefs. You have to SEE yourself taking action to change.
The action proves that your new belief is true—and this helps your RAS change your filter even more quickly. And even better, when you treat yourself like you’re worthy and lovable, you don’t just shift your RAS—you also build self-acceptance, which as you learned earlier, is the most important mindset for happiness and satisfaction.”
That’s from a chapter in which Mel gives us a 3-step process to rewire our RAS.
Your RAS (or reticular activating system) is that ancient part of your brain that filters the EXTRAORDINARY amount of information you are exposed to in a single day.
Mel tells us that some experts “call the RAS the bouncer for your mind or the gatekeeper. Your RAS has a huge job: it decides (filters) what information gets into your conscious mind and what information stays out. Every day, your RAS must police 34 gigabytes of data. (That’s three years’ worth of phone data in 24 hours!) ... Your RAS blocks 99% of what’s around you from reaching your conscious mind—because if it didn’t, your head would explode from information overload.”
Your RAS is what makes you see the color and make of the car you’re thinking about buying EVERYWHERE. Those cars were ALWAYS there, but it wasn’t until you “told” your RAS that it was “important” by thinking about buying that specific car that you started seeing it everywhere.
Why is this important? Because your RAS will ALWAYS find more of what you tell it is important. How does it decide what’s important? It doesn’t. It just brings you more of whatever you’re focused on.
Want to see more problems? Think about your problems all the time. Want to see more pathways to achieve your most important goals? Focus on what’s important to you and how you think you might be able to get it.
Elite CrossFit coach Ben Bergeron provides a powerful perspective on this basic idea in his great book Chasing Excellence.
Here’s how he puts it: “An optimistic mindset is a distinguishable characteristic of elite performers because what the human mind focuses on and talks about it is what we see more of. Stanford professor Arnold Zwicky calls this the ‘frequency illusion,’ which is essentially a phenomenon that causes you to see more of the things you’re already focused on. This is caused, he says, by two psychological processes.
The first process, selective attention, kicks in when you’re struck by a new word, thing, or idea; after that, you unconsciously keep an eye out for it, and as a result you find it surprisingly more often. The second process, confirmation bias, reassures you that each sighting is further proof of your impression that the thing has gained overnight omnipresence. Think about the last time you bought a new car. Let’s say it was a Jeep Grand Cherokee. After you buy it, you start noticing them everywhere—it seems that every third person on the road is driving a Jeep Grand Cherokee. And you don’t just notice colors—you notice the different models and add-ons; Laredos are more common than Limiteds, and there are fewer SRTs than Overlands. Obviously, there was not a sudden surge in local Jeep sales the day you bought your car. But because you’re actively thinking about it, you can’t help but notice them everywhere. The same principle applies to your mindset toward sports, work, and relationships. If you talk about (or worse, complain about) things that are outside of your control, things that could diminish your performance, you will see and experience more of those things.”
All of which leads us back to Mel’s 3-step process for rewiring our RAS.
Step 1 is to QUIT focusing on the negative. She tells us that negative thoughts will always pop up. We can’t STOP that from happening but we can INTERRUPT them. How? Redirect your mind by simply saying, “I’m not thinking about that.”
Step 2 is to write a note to your self that you focus on INSTEAD of the negative thought. Mel shares a bunch of “meaningful mantras” we can write down and place wherever you do the High 5 Habit. Some of my favorites include: “I can handle this. Bring it on.”“Don’t believe me? Watch.”“The world needs my story.”
Step 3 is the most important: WE MUST ACT LIKE THE PERSON WE WANT TO BECOME. When? Today.
You can always connect the dots in your life if you are looking back. The true art is believing that this moment right now is a dot that is connecting you to something amazing that’s coming in the future.
Feeling fear is normal. It’s what you do the moment after you feel the fear that makes the difference. You can be terrified of losing the game but still swing for the fences. You can be scared and still be confident in your ability to face this. You can feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and still stand tall.
Manifesting done right
“Most people get manifesting wrong because they try to visualize and conjure the end result: winning the ski race or the Oscar, losing the 50 pounds or having a million dollars in the bank. Manifesting done wrong can keep you stuck, because while big dreams are amazing, and you need to have them, manifesting the end result will NOT help you achieve them. Manifesting done right will help you make your dreams come true—or at least help you do the work.
Neuroscience research has shown that visualization makes it easier to work on your goals and dreams because it changes your RAS to spot opportunities to match that picture you just created in your head. But research out of UCLA shows us that in order to make visualization really help you achieve your goals, you need to visualize yourself doing the hard, annoying, small steps along the way to reaching your dreams.
That’s because brain scans have shown that we stimulate the same brain regions when we visualize ourselves performing an action as when we actually perform the same action. Visualizing an action leads to you being more likely to follow through on that action. Remember, it’s our actions that get results. Manifesting confidence means you have to envision yourself doing all the small, annoying steps along the way, not just basking in the blaze of victory at the finish line. This is about getting your nervous system and your mind’s filter ready to take action. When you visualize the actions you need to take, you socialize your mind and body to those feelings, and you tell your RAS, Hard work is important.”
Alexandra and I often joke about how I have an allergy to the word “manifesting.”
From my perspective, the word often implies a passive, Secret-esque, “If I just stare at my vision board and THINK about all the things I want to achieve, they will magically happen.” (Which is why I created a video almost TEN years ago called “2 Reasons Why Your Vision Board Might Suck (+ How to Unsuck It).” :)
We talk about this wisdom in our Notes on Heidi Grant Halvorson’s great book Succeed. And, of course, in our Notes on Gabriele Oettingen’s great book Rethinking Positive Thinking. Both of those brilliant researchers echo Mel’s perspective.
YES!! Let’s get excited about our big, audacious goals. AND... Science says we want to make sure we imagine the challenges and obstacles we will face and come up with a plan for how we’ll deal with them. After that, Mel tells us we’d be wise to “visualize yourself doing the hard, annoying, small steps along the way to reaching your dreams.”
Then... Go give yourself a High 5 and let’s DO THE WORK, Hero!!
High fives. All in. Day 1. LET’S GOOOOO!!!
Most people get manifesting wrong because they try to visualize the end result. Neuroscience research tells us to visualize yourself doing the hard, annoying, small steps along the way to reaching your dreams. In doing so, you tell your brain, ‘I do the hard work. I take advantage of opportunities. And I don’t back down, I take action.’
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