Me to We

“We have found that when it comes to happiness—our own and others’—all goals are not created equal. Looking over the research, we were intrigued to find that the psychologists Tim Kasser and Richard Ryan conducted a series of studies on goal setting. They found that the more participants held goals and values related to financial striving, the less happy they were, even controlling for the likelihood that they would achieve what they were aiming for! In contrast, the more participants had goals and values related to relationships, community, self-acceptance, and personal growth, the happier they were. We believe that this study makes an important point: happiness comes not so much from achieving your goals as from having the right ones.”

“Even thinking about helping others boosts our health. Psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard University had a group of students watch a film about Mother Teresa’s work in the slums of Calcutta. Sit and watch was all they did, but later tests revealed that students responded to the film physically, with an increase in immunoglobulin A, an antibody that defends against certain diseases.”

“We’ve found that understanding this situation requires drawing on the wisdom of none other than Aristotle. Although this philosophical heavyweight lived thousands of years ago in ancient Greece, his insights about the nature of happiness have stood the test of time. While many people have expanded on his ideas over the years, he was the first to make a distinction between two very different kinds of happiness: hedonic and eudaemonic.

As a society, hedonic happiness is the kind we are most familiar with today. It’s the sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll of happiness, firmly rooted in the five senses. It’s the surge of pleasure we experience when we enjoy a delicious meal, the exhilaration of hitting the slopes for some great skiing, or the sheer bliss of basking in the sun at the beach for a week. Fundamentally, this kind of happiness is about Me and the feeling it provides for the individual. Like all life’s highs, it is as fleeting as it is intense. When it wears off, as it inevitably does, we remain as unfulfilled as ever, left to set off in pursuit of the next great thrill.

If hedonic happiness is the happiness of the senses, then eudaemonic happiness is the happiness of the soul. It is found in activities that are aligned with our fundamental human needs for meaning, connection, and personal growth, and it brings a sense of engagement, contentment, and fulfillment. This is the happiness we feel when we spend time with loved ones and when we grow as people. It is the satisfaction felt by the mother who teaches her daughter to read, by the community member who pitches in to clean up the neighborhood, and by the endless volunteers in soup kitchens, hospitals, drop-in centers, and camps across America. While it is vital for all of us as individuals, and therefore crucial for Me, by its very nature it involves We in one way or another. Unlike with hedonic happiness, time spent in eudaemonic pursuits fundamentally changes us, allowing us to flourish and grow as individuals and as communities.”

“For many people, the primary goal in life is happiness. Yet research indicates that happiness is most often a by-product of participating in worthwhile projects and activities that do not have as their primary focus the attainment of happiness itself. Often, we gain the most by focusing not on ourselves but on others. It is as Dr. Albert Schweitzer, one of the greatest humanitarians of our time, once declared: “One thing I know; the only ones among you who will be truly happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.””

“How can you begin to make Me to We decisions? Luckily, it’s simple! When faced with a decision, fight the urge to respond instantly, out of habit. Instead, pause for a moment and ask yourself a few questions: How will this choice affect me and my family? What impact will it have on the community and the world? How will it affect future generations? These are perhaps the simplest and most powerful questions that any of us can ever ask ourselves. As you begin to act on the answers that emerge, keep in mind that every decision counts. As Robert Kennedy said, “Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

“Caught up in the daily grind, many of us often are just too busy for anything or anyone else. The result is something that we have come to call the Me mentality, a way of thinking that focuses on self-interest above all else and leads us to act accordingly. Some people now proudly espouse this idea and can’t imagine a life not devoted to “looking out for number one.” But even those of us who are skeptical of this approach to living can find it creeping into our high-pressure world. Surprisingly, even those whom we often look up to as models of good behavior are not immune. In one study, a group of Christian theology students found themselves running late for a lecture they were told they had to give. Trying to arrive on time, the students were faced with the need to make it from one side of the campus to the other as quickly as possible. On the way, they passed a shabbily dressed man who lay moaning in a doorway, and some even had to step over him. Only 10 percent of the class stopped to help. Ironically, the students were on their way to give a lecture on the biblical parable of the Good Samaritan. As people of faith, this study hit particularly close to home for us. The gap between the principle and the practice is impossible to miss, and it raises important questions about what it really means to live one’s faith in today’s world, where “success” usually refers to money and power. It doesn’t seem as if any of the students necessarily had bad intentions, but most were so caught up in being on time that they missed an opportunity to live the message they were supposed to share that day. For us, this is a powerful example of just how easy it can be to slip into the Me mentality as we race through our daily lives. However, one thing is clear: the 10 percent who stopped were able to do more than just talk about their beliefs—they were able to act on them. Despite the pressures they were facing, they made a decision to reach out to someone in need. With one simple act of kindness, they took a stand for their ideals. This study could encourage many conclusions, but we believe the most important one is this: the Me mentality may be far-reaching, but there are those who are following a different path.”

“We found her in her hut, as before, and she explained that a minga was basically a call to action. Roughly translated, it means a community coming together to work for the benefit of all. Upon hearing the word, people stop everything for individual gain, no matter how important, to come together for the collective good. Our translator struggled to explain this concept and finally asked us whether we knew of an English word for minga. We were dumbfounded. But, the English language has hundreds of thousands of words, there had to be a word. It couldn’t be volunteer work, you can do that alone. Mission work, perhaps? No, that didn’t fit either. The closest we got was to compare a minga to a barn raising, but how many barns do you see going up in downtown New York? Again, we were at a loss. Stretching our brains, we came up with something we thought might fit. A minga is like a riot, but for good. It is a quiet riot where a community comes together in a collective effort. That’s the closest we could get. Linguists tell us that language reflects culture. The more words you have for something, the more important it is. Hence the old joke about why the Inuit have so many words for snow—there’s a lot of snow! Take a moment to think about North American society. How many words do we have that revolve around money? Seriously—stop reading and count the number of words that come to mind: cash, credit, dollars, cents, checks, paychecks, down payments, banks, mortgages, the list goes on. What does that reflect about our society and its priorities? Why should it be so easy to talk about money yet so hard for us to define something as beneficial as a minga?”

“Several years ago, we attended an international conference with thousands of other young people to learn about the challenges facing our world and to brainstorm possible solutions. By the last day, we were feeling inspired, but we were also secretly worried that we wouldn’t really be able to have an impact. During the closing ceremonies, the auditorium was plunged into darkness, and one young person stood in the center holding a lit candle. Quietly at first she called out the one question that was on everyone’s mind: “I am only one person. What difference can I make?” She then turned to the four people closest to her and lit the candles they held. Those four then walked out to the corners of the auditorium, repeated the question, and each lit the candles of four people they met there. This same question echoed from person to person, from group to group, and on each occasion the flame was passed along. In this way, the light spread, until every candle was lit, and the vast room was aglow in a sea of light. This simple yet powerful exercise helped us understand that all personal and social change comes about in this way, through simple questions and humble beginnings. It helped us to see that even the smallest actions can have powerful impacts. Such is the power of Me to We.”