Braving the Wilderness

We’ll talk more about the paradoxes involved in our quest to true belonging in a moment. For now, let’s focus on the definition of true belonging and the QUEST to discover and experience it.

First, the beginning of that definition. True belonging is a SPIRITUAL practice. Two key words there: Spiritual and practice.

Brené offers this beautiful definition of spirituality: “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.”

A central theme of the book is that our world is more polarized than ever before. (You notice?) The quickest way to get back to connection? “Recognize and celebrate” the fact that we are all “inextricably connected” to one another by “a power greater than all of us” and that the best way to connect to that power and to each other is via love and compassion. (Yes, I just repeated that definition. It’s worth another read.)

That’s the spiritual part. Then we need to PRACTICE that love and compassion that keeps us connected to ourselves and others. There are four practices. More on that in a moment.

What happens when we engage in those spiritual practices is that we discover and live from our most authentic selves. With THAT connection in place, we’re free to be who we truly are and it’s THAT authentic expression of ourselves that allows us to truly belong. If we don’t bring our true selves to the party, then we feel alienation (from ourselves and others), not belonging.

And…

Discovering that true belonging is a QUEST.

And….

Like all (!) great heroic quests, we need to leave the known world and enter the wilderness. As Joseph Campbell says, we need to enter that wilderness at the darkest point. The one sure sign that we’re not on the right path is if there’s ALREADY a path there.

→ “You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path. Where there is a way or a path, it is someone else’s path. You are not on your own path. If you follow someone else’s way, you are not going to realize your potential.”

(btw: I actually riff on exactly this theme in a scene in the documentary Finding Joe.)

One more thought from Uncle Joe as we enter that wilderness: “What is it we are questing for? It is the fulfillment of that which is potential in each of us. Questing for it is not an ego trip; it is an adventure to bring into fulfillment your gift to the world, which is yourself. There’s nothing you can do that’s more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, you become a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way, you will find, live, and become a realization of your own personal myth.”

Here’s to fulfilling the potential within ourselves, becoming “transparent to transcendence,” and a sign of what’s possible as we give our gifts to the world!

Paradox.

Two little Greek words forming one Latin word that leads to our modern English word that, in a modern dictionary, means: “a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true.”

Moving beyond the either/or false dichotomies and unnecessary polarization of our modern world by embracing the paradoxes of life is one of the core themes of the book.

In fact, each of the four practices for true belonging consists of a paradox. We will explore those next. Before we do, let’s briefly chat about a couple of the other paradoxes we’ve explored in our Notes so far: The Paradox of Choice and The Plant Paradox.

The short story on those books? Well, how about we let the authors share their wisdom directly?

In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz tells us: “The fact that some choice is good doesn’t necessarily mean that more choice is better. As I will demonstrate, there is a cost to having an overload of choice. As a culture, we are enamored of freedom, self-determination, and variety, and we are reluctant to give up any of our options. But clinging tenaciously to all the choices available to us contributes to bad decisions, to anxiety, stress, and dissatisfaction—even to clinical depression.”

And in The Plant Paradox, Dr. Steven Gundry tells us: “I titled this book The Plant Paradox because while many plant foods are good for you—and form the bedrock of my eating plan—others that have been regarded as ‘health foods’ are actually to blame for making you sick and overweight. That’s right, most plants actually want to make you ill. Another paradox: small portions of some plants are good for you but large amounts are bad for you.”

Having too many choices is BAD for us? Contributes to clinical depression?

That’s absurd!

Plants actually want to make me ill?

That’s absurd!

Paradoxes. Seemingly absurd statements that, upon further reflection, are true.

btw: Brené also tells us: “Carl Jung argued that a paradox is one of our most valuable spiritual possessions and a great witness to the truth. It makes sense to me that we’re called to combat this spiritual crisis of disconnection with one of our most valued spiritual possessions. Bearing witness to the truth is rarely easy, especially when we’re alone in the wilderness.

But as Maya Angelou tells us, ‘The price is high. The reward is great.’”

Did you know that Carl Jung was one of Joseph Campbell’s biggest influences? Yep.

Want an incredibly valuable spiritual tool on our heroic quest through the wilderness? Move beyond either/or false dichotomies. Embrace paradox. And make that a practice.

In fact, use these FOUR practices:

The four practices of braving the wilderness to find true belonging.

Each is a paradox. And each has its own chapter in the book. Let’s take a super quick look.

1. People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In. It’s easy to dislike people when we stereotype them and dehumanize them and throw them into the big bucket that is labeled “them” while we hang out in our comfortable echo-chamber-bubble of “us.”

But you know what? Those same people who are so easy to demonize when they’re stereotyped are often pretty cool when we get in real close. The person who voted for the other party? They’re also your neighbor who just ran after and saved your dog from getting hit when he sneaked out the gate and almost ran across the street. Or invited you and your kids over to pick apricots from their tree while it’s in season.

People are hard to hate close up. Move in. Get to know them.

2. Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil. Brené tells us about the difference between “lies” and “bullshit.” (She also tells us that part of her experiencing true belonging is embracing the fact that she likes to talk about her faith and she likes to curse. :)

She makes the point that bullshit is actually more dangerous than lies. Bullshit is when you don’t even address the truth. You brazenly make conclusions and false dichotomies. We need to step back and challenge all the either/or-ness and we need to do it with CIVILITY. We can have challenging conversations without being disrespectful and uncivil. And, we must.

Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil.

3. Hold Hands. With Strangers. Brené tells us about collective joy and collective pain and shares some powerful research about just how important both are. She tells us how powerful funerals are as an opportunity to share pain together. (“Show up!!” she says.) And, she tells us about moments of “collective effervescence,” referencing this YouTube video of ninety-five thousand Australian fans of the Liverpool Football Club to bring the point home.

She also says: “Social interaction makes us live longer, healthier lives. By a lot. [Susan] Pinker writes, ‘In fact, neglecting to keep in close contact with people who are important to you is at least as dangerous to your health as a pack-a-day cigarette habit, hypertension, or obesity.’”

Hold hands with strangers. Experience collective pain and joy.

4. Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart. We need to be courageous AND vulnerable. In fact, Brené tells us that a *requirement* of courage is a willingness to be vulnerable. By definition, when you are acting courageously you are risking loss.

We need a strong back. And, we need to soften our hearts—letting in the vulnerability and the pain and the fear… While we embrace a wild heart that *is* the wilderness.

That’s from the chapter on our third practice: “Hold Hands. With Strangers.”

Pema Chodrön is a Buddhist monk and teacher. We have Notes on two of her great books: When Things Fall ApartandThe Places That Scare You. Here’s a link to wonderful 2.5-minute YouTube video of her “Lousy World” teaching.

Short story: We complain about everything and everyone. All the time. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. He smells bad. She’s got too much perfume. All day every day.

We think the answer is to change the world—to lay leather over all the thorns and rocks in our way. The answer, of course, is to simply wrap a little leather over our feet and voila! Problem solved. In other words: Get our minds right and voila! The world is fine.

Here’s how Shantideva puts it The Way of the Bodhisattva:

“To cover all the earth with sheets of leather— Where could such amounts of skin be found? But with the leather soles of just my shoes It is as though I cover all the earth!”

Byron Katie has another great metaphor. She tells us that thinking the problem is “out there” is kinda like thinking the imperfect image on the movie screen is the problem. Nope. It’s the lint on the projector’s lens. Clean THAT off and the movie screen of life is golden. “As you inquire into issues and turn judgments around, you come to see that every perceived problem appearing ‘out there’ is really nothing more than a misperception within your own thinking.”

That’s from the beginning of the book where Brené tells us about the first time she met Oprah. The night before, she was (understandably) feeling all uptight and in her head. Her manager noticed and asked her, “Where are you, Brené?”

She said: “I’m doing the thing I do when I’m afraid. I’m floating above my life, watching it and studying it, rather than living it.”

He (brilliantly) replied: “Don’t study this moment. Be in it.”

The next morning she created her first permission slip. I created my first one after reading that: “Permission to be intense and focused and have fun being me.”

Couple of questions: What do YOU do when you’re afraid? (I overthink and overplan and under-be and under-do. And I LOVE Brené’s description of what she does. Wow.)

And… What would you write on YOUR permission slip? Let’s actually create TWO permission slips. One for today. What permission are you giving yourself today? And.. One for your LIFE. What permission do you hereby give yourself?

Fantastic. You’ve now set the intention. That’s Step 1. Step 2? Step on the bus.

Set the intention. Follow through. And, most importantly, enjoy the ride of Braving the Wilderness and finding true belonging.